As the 2016-17 NFL regular season comes to a close, there comes a time to reflect on some of this year’s best moments. Antonio Brown proved that twerking could exist outside of the trending channel on Vine, while the NFL Browns proved just how much they have in common with a microwaveable hot pocket – neither have any wins. Every other week in Fantasy Football was either spent thanking all that is Holy that you weren’t facing Ezekiel Elliot, or cursing the Gods that you spent a first round pick on DeAndre Hopkins instead of MVP-hopeful David Johnson. And last but not least, Rob Gronkowski finally crossed an item off his extremely specific bucket list by catching his 69th career touchdown pass, his excitement over doing so firmly proving my theory that the Patriots Tight-End started out as a jug of Whey Protein that somehow wished itself into existence.
All that being said, this year has largely been about the Quarterbacks. The emergence of great, stable young QB’s in this league has been somewhat startling, as years past has shown them to be both fragile and fleeting. Unless you’ve had the sheer misfortunate of having to watch whatever garbage-fueled, dumpster fire the Cleveland Browns have trotted out to call plays every Sunday, you’ve more than likely had a chance to gaze upon history in the making. Fans of the Cowboys, Eagles, Buccaneers and Titans all saw their teams draft their franchise Quarterback, while the Lions, Raiders and Falcons had their investments finally pay off in the form of All-Pro level play from Matthew Stafford, Derek Carr and Matt Ryan, respectively.
So all this talk of NFL Quarterbacks got me hungry. Well, lots of things get me hungry. I’m an extremely huge fan of processed sugar and am wildly unhealthy. In the spirit of the holiday season, when calories assuredly do not exist, I thought it prudent to discuss an idea I’ve been thinking about since I was but a teenager: What would my favorite NFL quarterbacks be as ice cream flavors? I’ve decided to match up each team’s QB with what I believe to be their ice cream flavor equivalent. Check out my delectable pairings below.
Derek Carr, Oakland Raiders: Rocky Road
Unconventional, yet creative. Derek Carr combines the creative elements of marshmallows with the classic touch of chocolate, ironically making his road to becoming this year’s MVP more smooth than rocky.
Philip Rivers, San Diego Chargers: Blueberry Vanilla
An odd blend of traditional and sour, clearly seen in the countless amount of games he throws for 400 yards before leaving a horrible taste in your mouth via a pick-six.
Alex Smith, Kansas City Chiefs: Peppermint
Clean, precise and a bit bland, Alex Smith may be boring, but you’re certainly not going to toss him aside when a bowl full of him slides towards you.
Trevor Siemian, Denver Broncos: Grape
Ever find yourself asking for a Grape flavored Ice Cream? No. If someone gave it to you, would you be tempted to try a bite or two before tossing it lightly into a nearby trash can? Certainly.
Tom Brady, New England Patriots: Vanilla
Conventional, timeless and always reliable, Tom Brady may not be scrambling for 40-yard touchdowns any time soon, but you’re never going to grow tired of good ole fashioned Vanilla.
Ryan Tannehill, Miami Dolphins: Strawberry Banana
Is it good? Or is it terrible? What I refer to as the “Strawberry Banana Paradox” is accurately seen in the career of Ryan Tannehill, where Dolphins fans can neither confirm or deny whether or not they have something truly worth keeping.
Tyrod Taylor, Buffalo Bills: Cinnamon Bun
A little bit of flash and pizzaz never hurt anyone, and if Tyrod Taylor does one thing better than anyone else, it lies in his ability to surprise you.
Ryan Fitzpatrick, New York Jets: Rum Raisin
No explanation needed.
Andy Dalton, Cincinatti Bengals: Sea Salt Caramel with Toffee
The “Red Rifle” sprinkles a bit of excitement here and there, but at the end of the day, another flavor is likely to entice you enough to forego the Toffee for something a bit more trustworthy.
Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Steelers: Cookies and Cream
“Big Ben” combines the rough and dirty elements of a cookie with the silky, smooth cream that is his arm, one that few in the league can dare to match in sheer power. On the surface, it looks messy, but it always gets the job done.
Robert Griffin, III, Cleveland Browns: Maple Walnut
“I’ll have the Maple Walnut flavor, please!” Said literally no one ever.
Joe Flacco, Baltimore Ravens: Pumpkin
Pumpkin is certainly not an elite flavor, but one that you can definitely parlay into a winning formula before it turns back into the aforementioned vegetable and ruins your Sunday afternoon.
Brock Osweiler, Houston Texans: Toasted Almond
Appears to be high-end, but don’t be fooled. When you really dive deep and explore it closely, it’s really not worth the money. At all.
Andrew Luck, Indianapolis Colts: Cherry
A classic. On paper, this flavor has everything you could ever want. However, Cherry on its own doesn’t always get the job done. Cherry needs help. Cherry needs a dynamic pairing. Cherry needs an offensive li-, I mean…. sprinkles.
Marcus Mariota, Tennessee Titans: Coconut Cream Pie
A laid-back, calm, cool and collected kind of flavor. It might not be your favorite, but with the right pairing, it could be something special.
Blake Bortles, Jacksonville Jaguars: Chubby Hubby
Always looks a little too good to be true, and at the end of the day, you’re probably only going to regret taking a chance on it.
Cam Newton, Carolina Panthers: Peanut Butter
The new classic. A modernized take on what a flavor should be, Cam is perpetually exciting, smooth and always ‘sticks’ to his guns.
Matt Ryan, Atlanta Falcons: Raspberry
Raspberry denotes its name from raspise, which is latin for “a sweet rose-colored wine.” I can’t think of anything better to describe the pride of Exton, Pennsylvania as he carefully carves up defenses with precision – before the hangover ensues in the form of a horribly-timed interception.
Jameis Winston, Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Orange Pineapple
Built like a linebacker with the legs of a gazelle, Winston is an insane amalgam of two things you would never expect to work so well together.
Drew Brees, New Orleans Saints: Butter Pecan
Elegant, yet original. When he’s on, he’s smooth as ever, yet when things go awry, he’s able to crunch out wins like no other.
Dak Prescott, Dallas Cowboys: Fudge Brownie
Dak has a little something extra up his sleeve. It might seem like a bit much though, and you’re not entirely sure whether this X-Factor will turn out to be a game-changer or a deal-breaker.
Carson Wentz, Philadelphia Eagles: Neapolitan Ice Cream
Carson is a true triple threat – intangibles, mobility and size. You get a little bit of everything with Carson Wentz.
Kirk Cousins, Washington Redskins: Pistachio
Overtly perplexing, the Pistachio flavor is hard to truly decipher. Do you like it? Do you hate it? Should you really pay it $20 million dollars guaranteed in the offseason? So many questions.
Eli Manning, New York Giants: Samoas
A delicious, yet somewhat off-putting flavor that will always live in the shadow of its more popular sibling, PeyThin Mints.
Matthew Stafford, Detroit Lions: Strawberry
Underrated, yet reliable. You’d never say no to this flavor, though you might not think to ask for it in the first place.
Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers: Chocolate
Literally, what’s not to love? Rodgers is not only incredibly popular, but is everything you could ever want in a flavor that will never go out of style.
Sam Bradford, Minnesota Vikings: Coffee
Well-balanced, but bitter, and known to leave a bad taste in your mouth.
Jay Cutler, Chicago Bears: Half Baked
The “fuck it, I don’t see any better options” of flavors, and thus, quarterbacks.
Carson Palmer, Arizona Cardinals: New York Cheesecake
Once a classic, Palmer seems to be slowly fading in the public eye though his refined set of skills might appease the old-fashioned fan every now and then.
Jared Goff, Los Angeles Rams: Peach
From afar, it’s everything you could want. However, when you get a bit closer, you find that it’s a bit too soft and extremely sour in areas that you might not expect.
Russell Wilson, Seattle Seahawks: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
Always a pleasant surprise. Deemed too raw, or too obscure to ever be a staple in the industry, it has since thrived into becoming the perfect example of what you’d want others to emulate.
Colin Kaepernick, San Francisco 49ers: Cake Batter
Fun, in small spurts, the Cake Batter flavor doesn’t have the longevity or substance to be a go-to flavor, but it was sure fun while it lasted.