*This is a weekly Bachelorette recap where I’ll summarize each episode, grade its winners & losers, and update my list of favorites and dark horses. It’s fine. I’m fine…. I’m fine.
The Bachelorette has finally graced us with its presence once more and I want to place the Whaboom guy inside a box full of bees and mail him to Mars.
This year, The Bachelorette is Rachel Lindsay, a laid-back Southern girl who is somehow the first time in The Bachelor’s 15 year, 21 season existence where it has featured an African-American lead. I find that, for lack of a better term, BONKERS. That took way too long. I mean, yeah, baby steps I guess, but damn ABC! Get it together!
Either way, I suppose progress is progress, and this is certainly the most diverse cast we have ever seen for this franchise which hopefully is a trend that will continue going forward. So, we could probably use less of that one guy who went on national television and said “I’m ready to go black and I’m never going back.” That dude needs to climb into his refrigerator and re-think his life.
Back to Rachel – the show’s star is fresh off a stint on The Bachelor where she successfully dodged the human equivalent of walking on a lego, Nick Viall. Words cannot describe how happy I am that I don’t have to physically see ‘The Viall Thing’ on my television screen anymore. No more do I have look at a guy who is about as fun as a laxative and has the face of someone who looks like he casually litters. He’s gone and off ruining some other people’s lives for now. Blessed. But Rachel? She’s back, and we’re all better for it. Because Rachel is good, and we should all feel good about how good Rachel is. She’s smart, funny and charming, just like Nick… if he was smart, funny and charming.
We’re just one episode in, yet Rachel seems like she is the perfect foil for the constant insanity that ensues, both incidentally and purposefully – the latter due to the producers inevitable and unnecessary meddling. We could talk all day about how chill Rachel is, but that wouldn’t be as fun, would it?
I say that because the one aspect of The Bachelorette that is always obscenely watchable is the contestants. Oh, you perfect-faced dumbasses, how you make life fun for us!
In typical Bachelorette fashion, all 31 guys instantly fall in love with her on the first night. This is the love of their life, they assure themselves. She is perfect for them. This, they know for certain! They will give her babies, they actually say. They even sometimes call her their wife. It’s all VERY UNSETTLING.
It’s quite odd that a grown human male who has been on the earth for 30-plus years can find it normal to go on television, see a woman, and after a meeting said woman for less time than it takes to purell a child’s hands, will think, “Yes, she will have my child one day. And I will tell her that tonight. Because… CONFIDENCE.” It’s essentially the “Sure, I’ll just fire this guy who is investigating me” of strategies.
There’s a lot to unpack in this episode, so here is a list of my stray musings as I watched this real-life nightmare envelop.
- I hate the Whaboom guy. Hate hate hate everything about his face and essence.
- I didn’t like the guy who arrived in an ambulance, presumably taking it away from either an injured or on-fire person.
- I thought I was going to hate the guy who dressed like a penguin – but it turns out I just dislike him a normal amount.
- I have some thoughts on Milton (below). He kept saying he was the best-dressed, but he was CLEARLY wearing a 38 Large when he should have been wearing a 38 Regular. I think that’s the reason he didn’t get a rose, to be honest.
- I instantly felt a sting of hatred towards Blake, the “I love sex and I’m not shy about it” guy. It’s like, yeah we all like sex. Sex is fun, but the fact that you’re so gung-ho about sex makes me feel like you don’t like anything else, you sex-ed out freak.
- I had some thoughts on this quote from Diggy: “One day somebody told me they liked me diggs. And so ever since then, I’ve kind of been Diggy.” You know, in 6th grade, someone called me a Dildo for like a week straight, but you don’t see me walking around the world saying, “Scott? No, no. Call me Dildo.”
- I think we can all agree that Josiah’s life deserves SEVERAL made-for-tv movies.
- Showing up in costume never seems like a good idea. What’s the thinking here? “Well, my personality typically puts people’s faces to sleep. Let me go to the Halloween store so she remembers I’m not dead.”
- What’s with the jobs? It seems like everyone is either a lawyer, a real estate agent or some fake ass job like “Aspiring Drummer.” What does Aspiring Drummer mean, Blake? You’re basically telling me you have consistently failed at drum. Color me not impressed, Mister McDrum Fail!
- Iggy said that it was “garbage” that some guys got to meet her twice. Garbage. Iggy, the guy who was consistently angry about EVERYTHING, essentially compared a second handshake to one of the primary things ruining our oceans.
- A lot of these guys act like they’ve never heard of or seen a smart woman before. “She was beautiful.. and smart too. You don’t see that combo too often.” Cause you’re not looking, you simple crouton!
- ‘Fred the Stalker from Your 3rd Grade Nightmare’ threw me for a loop. How many Lifetime movies did you jump out of, my man?
- I hate the tickle monster, guy. Please never touch me or another alive person again.
- Adam brought a child mannequin called Adam Jr. who is 100% going to haunt the shit out of everyone in that mansion by Week 3.
- The only thing Blake is good for was his face when the Whaboom guy got a rose. (see below)
Winner of the Episode: Rachel – this was an easy one. Easily the most likable person in the room.
Loser of the Episode: Milton. This was tough, but I don’t consider WhaBoom to be a real person so it had to be Milton. He had a lot of fashion confidence for absolutely no reason at all – especially when Josiah was clearly best dressed. Then he cried over someone he just met not loving him back. Suits don’t look good on him, and neither does jealousy.
Early Favorite: Bryan – this was also an easy one. He’s definitely the front-runner in Rachel’s eyes. That was some very aggressive making out that made me very uncomfortable but also… very uncomfortable.
Dark Horse: Fred. The stalker thing might play. I’m just saying, watch out for Fred – both romantically and legally.
*An early edition of this column said that I wanted to lock the Whaboom guy in a room with only a VHS copy of the movie Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, but has since been corrected to state that I wish to place him inside of a box full of bees and mail him to Mars.