Why Doesn’t Anyone Give A Single Crap About Jason Derulo?

I swear, you could walk up to 100 random people and ask them, “Who is Jason Derulo?” and at least five of them would answer, “Is that some sort of disease?!” The other 95 would simply shrug their shoulders and walk away from the strange man asking them odd, random questions about men they don’t know. What is so fascinating to me is that though they don’t know who he is or perhaps even what he looks like, they 100% know his music.

I recently conducted a social experiment with a few close friends where I played three of his songs: “Want to Want Me,” “Wiggle” and “Talk Dirty” and almost every single person had heard at least one, or all three. Yet, NO ONE correctly answered Jason Derulo for being the singer of those hip hoppity jams. Instead, these people have been living their lives like LYING LIARS believing that these track’s artists were either Usher, Justin’s Timberlake or Bieber, and Bruno Mars. Even Ginuwine got a shout out. Ginuwine – a man who’s exclusively been cashing in “Pony” checks for the last 20 years. Also, “Pony” is over 20 years old. Let that sink in. What on Kate Winslet’s green earth have I been doing with my life for the past 20 years. Damn, I’m old. Life really passes you by. Anyway…

If Jason Derulo has invaded the ear holes of so many pop lovers and their handheld music devices, why does literally no one give a single crap about him? It’s so inherently fascinating to me that it honestly keeps me up at night. I haven’t slept in days because of this. Days!

I mean, seriously, check out these certified bangers:

  • Want To Want Me (Peaked at #5 on Billboard Hot 100)
  • Trumpets
  • Talk Dirty (Peaked at #3 on Billboard Hot 100)
  • Wiggle (Peaked at #5 on Billboard Hot 100 – as a bonus track nonetheless)
  • The Other Side
  • It Girl
  • Ridin’ Solo (Peaked at #9 on Billboard Hot 100)
  • In My Head
  • Whatcha Say (Peaked at #1 on Billboard Hot 100)

Like, come on. How many grade-A ass-movers does this man have to drop before you all learn his god dang name? How many finales of The O.C. do you need to watch before you pull out your Shazam app and realize who’s been DJ’ing your emotions for the past 42 minutes. He even says his name before all of his songs, almost as a cry for help, internally screaming every time you incorrectly give Will.I.Am credit for one of his chart topping tracks.

Also, let’s not forget that this man almost DIED for his craft. Dude straight up broke his neck practicing a dance stunt, because oh yeah I forgot to mention, he’s a phenomenal dancer as well. My man is a legitimate monster on the dance floor and has appeared on So You Think You Can Dance several times. Not an easy feat. I have not appeared on the show even once.

His commitment is nearly unparalleled in the industry. He full-on fell on his head while attempting an acrobatic move for his tour (FOR US), and for months and months the only “Ridin’ Solo” he was doing was vis-à-vis a hospital wheelchair (Sorry). Jason Derulo literally stood on his head to get our attention and how did we repay him? Well for starters, we gave his 2015 Teen Choice Award nomination for Choice Male Artist to Ed Sheeran. Ed God Damn Sheeran. The dude who looks like he needs to use SPF 3 Million whenever he’s standing underneath a light bulb. We had a choice of five males and we chose male Ed Sheeran over clear choice male – Jason Derulo. Ed Sheeran can’t dance like Jason. NOT EVEN A LITTLE. Ed Sheeran looks like he moves very little all the time. Ed’s too busy writing songs where we have to unfortunately imagine him having sexual intercourse with another human. Not good, Ed. Not good.

Look, Jason Derulo is never going to win a Grammy. He hasn’t even been nominated for one because… creative differences, assumedly. But the Grammy’s aren’t really for his type of music anyway. That award show really isn’t his niche or his schtick. Jason’s spirit journey doesn’t involve a Grammy, unless a Grammy is a bastardized, mash-up word for recording a “Great Jammy.” Then sure, he’s had SEVERAL Grammy’s! But no, Jason Derulo’s sole purpose is to get our asses out of our seats and onto the dance floor, with the inclination that our aforementioned rear-ends are going to be shaken, both swiftly and furiously. The least we can do is learn his name and not illegally download his music, but rather listen to it free on Spotify so it increases his frequency of plays.

And for god’s sake, the next year he gets nominated for a Teen Choice or Nickelodeon award, can we get a small group together for an organized, indoor event and vote him to a much-deserved win? Let’s get our dude slimed. Hashtag #GetJasonSlimed. He deserves it. He deserves so much better, and I’m only assuming that being hit with a thick, pool of edible slime is a great start.

*This is not a paid promotion for Jason’s upcoming album. I’m simply a fan – a concerned, and bored, fan.

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