We were just two minutes into the latest episode of The Bachelorette when I realized that we had already heard just as many ‘Whaaaboom’s.’ That was so upsetting. So, so upsetting. However, things got a lot better, as we already have enough drama to fill up the golf ball sized hole that is firmly situated in the middle of Lucas’ brain (I’m assuming).
The first group date started off fairly normal, with a “Husband Material” challenge that would test the men’s ability to change a diaper, vacuum, set up dinner, etc. All things husbands must do. They didn’t cover the lesson that husbands should probably only have one wife, but if that was one of the tasks, I’m one million percent sure DeMario would fail it – but more on that later.
Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis showed up
to boost ratings to make sure all the guy’s were on their best behaviors and bringing their A-game. They smiled, played the part and asked the group, “Everyone here have a job, right?” To which all of Rachel’s suitors raised their hands, affirming, yes, they do have jobs. Um, really?!? What about the guy whose job is literally hoping he can one day play drums, or the guy who boasts that he’s currently employed shouting branded onomatopoeia at every human person he meets? Speaking of Blake and Lucas – the tension between those two could not be any more palpable. Apparently, they have a bit of history together, which is why Blake is so confident that Lucas isn’t here for love. I mean, yeah that makes sense. I personally don’t think Whaaaboom either mentally or physically has the tools necessary to feel the emotion of love. He’s kind of just like a spastic, un-fun version of the Tin Man, but 100% more punch-able. He’s ‘extremely loud and incredibly close’ to going home, if Blake had it his way.
“I know the real Lucas,” Blake says. “Lucas is garbage. The one person that could ruin this for him… is me. And I’m going to.”
Sure, Lucas might be here for the wrong reasons, but it almost seems like Blake is only there himself just so he can straight up murder Lucas. Being with Rachel is a distant second for Blake to the obvious first reason of getting close enough to Lucas so he can cut him up into a million little pieces.
Lucas really dominates the first half hour of this episode after winning the strange Diaper-Vacuum-Sink Relay race, solely due to his blatant and unconscionable stiff-arm of professional wrestler, Kenny. Probably not the best move to upset the professional wrestler, you uncultured bagel. But you know what’s also not a good move? Celebrating your winning of the Husband Material Challenge by spiking your fake baby on the ground like a god damn football. Not to be outdone, Blake dropped his fake baby like a mic after once again threatening to murder Lucas (with his eyes). These are insane people. Does anybody respect the symbolic nature of this challenge? Were you two raised in a barn? Please stop pretend-murdering these plastic children! Regardless of their barbaric handling of inanimate infants, these two account for just an obscene amount of chaotic fun and I’m so here for it. #WhaaBlakeForever.
Peter Kraus, the salt-and-pepper haired business owner, won the 1-on-1 date with Rachel and sure. Ok. Fine. They seem perfectly compatible. They both have gaps in their teeth and they both see therapists which is apparently all you really need to forge an honest connection with someone in the Bachelorette universe. Basically what I’m saying is that if there is a woman out there that shares two of my unique qualities of terrible balance and dressing like a 7-year old every day, let’s grab some coffee. We could make it work!
Of course, the real story occurred during the second group date when DeMario couldn’t DeBunk the rumor that he had a girlfriend either slightly before or during his quest for Rachel’s heart. Not quite positive about the timeline here and I doubt DeMario knows either. He pretty much reacted to these accusations similarly to how I reacted to watching Paul Blart: Mall Cop for the first time – confused and genuinely terrified. When Lexi “assassinated his character” (his words) in front of Rachel, she was clearly devastated, as she should be. Is Rachel Now That’s What I Call Music 6, DeMario? No? Then DO NOT PLAY HER. DeMario learned that the hard way, which was unfortunate because he could… um, dunk. DeMario was dunking on everything and everyone during the Group Basketball game, including on Rachel and that seemed to be working for some odd reason. His athleticism propelled him to become the evident front-runner for some extra time with Rachel until he forget that he was, you know… totally and unequivocally dating another woman. I hate it when that happens.
Is this the last we’ll see of DeMario? Apparently not, as this episode left us on a cliffhanger. No rose ceremony, nada. It just ended like most of my Taco Bell trips – unsure of what will happen next, but knowing it’s not good.
- The sign on Rachel, Peter and Copper’s tri-date read, “Welcome to Barkfest” which is the literal only sign I want to see upon entering Heaven.
- During the diaper challenge, Iggy said that he poops every day so he feels like he has an advantage.😐
- Are we ever going to address what the Tickle Monster actually does for a living outside of make people uncomfortable and sad?
- Blake says, “It’s time to be a man and tell Rachel the truth.” Yes, nothing embodies the full breadth of your masculinity quite like tattling on another adult male.
- I stare at Peter and feel nothing. I stare deeper…. still nothing.
- Dean looks like such a water bottle – like a nothing person. He looks like he’s seen the movie Under The Tucson Sun 17 and a half times… in the past year alone. He is the human equivalent of Invisalign Braces. The one thing I’ll say about him is that he does look like a Dean. Yeah… the Dean of Holy Shit You’re Boring University.
- Peter and Rachel are getting along so well. 4 out of 5 dentists agree that neglecting braces is not the preferred way to find love… but hey, it works.
- Josiah said that Rachel’s tights fit her like a coca cola bottle. Can we not say things like that, Josiah?
- In week 1, Adam brought Adam Jr., the 2 foot 8 creep-fest that’s totally going to haunt the living bejeezus out of everyone. This week, his game plan involved him and Rachel playing with a doll house. What’s with you and dolls, my man? How many Stephen King novels are you trying to inspire?!
- Iggy used his alone time with Rachel to play a game of thumb war. If I was a woman, I would definitely not sleep with a guy who did that. I would 100% not rock the world of a guy who just tried to 1, 2, 3, 4, declare a friggin’ thumb war. Let’s try another tactic, Iggy, because I give that move…. two thumbs down (sorry).
Winner of the Episode: Copper. This was an easy pick. Rachel’s dog is on the mend and got to recover while experiencing Barkfest for the first time. What a win for this adorable Finnish Spitz and German Shepherd mix. What a joy for him!
Loser of the Episode: DeMario. Just throw your phone into the sea, my dude. Take it out of your pocket, firmly grasp it in your hand and let it live amongst the ocean because you cannot be trusted with technology. Like, at all.
Early Favorite: Bryan still remains my early favorite. Dude didn’t even get a group date and still looks like he came out on top.
Dark Horse: Kenny. I feel like the old dude in the house could make a run here. He’s obviously the most mature and Rachel won’t have to wait around for him – he’s ready to go today. Or yesterday. Dude’s so old he’s been ready for the past 30 years.
*An early edition of this column said that I thought Lucas looked like someone who brings 37 items into the self-checkout but doesn’t know how to use the machine, but has since been corrected to state that he looks like a spastic, un-fun version of the Tin Man, but 100% more punch-able.