Goodbye, Whaboom. We hardly knew ya. Well, that’s not entirely true. That’s not even, like, a little bit true. We actually knew you too much. The obscene amount of knowledge that we have currently consumed about Lucas remains, to this day, a waste of brain. This feels like as good a time as any to officially mention that Week #3 of The Bachelorette has come and gone. Gone like a 2001 *NSYNC song or like our
least favorite contestants, Lucas and Blake – the literal worst two things to happen simultaneously after Hillary losing and Donald winning.
As much as he wanted to paint Lucas as this sad, pathetic little man who was there for the wrong reasons, Blake, the $40 haircut and self-noted sex enthusiast, ended up Bob Ross’ing himself in the exact same light. While Lucas was there to become a celebrity, Blake was just a few creepy steps away from his dumbass archenemy, eating a potassium-filled fruit while likely plotting his first murder. Here’s the thing, Lucas was obviously crazy. WE KNOW THIS. WE IMMEDIATELY ACCEPTED THAT AS FACT. He was full crazy, like “It’s a great dating maneuver to scream a nonsense phrase at another human woman for 3 full minutes” crazy. But Blake on the other hand was secret crazy. He was like that kid in the 6th grade that you weren’t allowed to have a sleepover with because his cargo shorts were probably chock full of Trefoils and knives.
The best part was that the both of them failing to receive roses wasn’t even the last we saw of them. Once they were spurned by Rachel, they returned in embarrassing fashion. Just as it does in the dictionary, drama followed dejection. “You’re the whaboom clown, I’m the nice gentlemen,” Blake shouted, likely in a attempt to get everyone to forget his job is ‘aspiring drummer.’
“Im a clown because I can be funny?! You don’t even know what funny looks like!” Lucas retorted, in a strangely proud way. A livid Blake wasn’t taking this sitting down, like he does when he presumably fails at drum for work. “Funny is not whaboom!” Blake exclaimed. “Whaboom is like waka waka pie in your face. waka waka huh-huh fart joke.” Just as I initially suspected, when looking for hard-hitting commentary about the male experience, tune into ABC Mondays at 8pm ET. “Waka waka pie in your face” was something an actual human said in an attempt to boast his superiority. Here’s a little tip, Blake. Want people to think you’re better than Lucas? Just don’t be more embarrassing than the 30-year failed actor whose claim to fame will be the eye rolls we all experience once that wacky-ass word he created gets added into Webster’s around 2018. How did you still come across worse here, my man?!
Outside of that, Frederick, the gentle-voiced stalker from your Mother’s favorite Hallmark movie, was forced to leave after Rachel probably experienced some sort of romantic PTSD from kissing him. That was the most awkward moment of my life, and I once accidentally asked a blind man, “do you see what I mean?”
Later, we were introduced to our first man-on-man fight. And no, I’m not talking about the uncomfortable 7 minutes I was subjected to watching six of these dudes straight-up angrily massage each other in a sticky brown mire of filth. I’m referring to Eric vs. Lee. So, full disclosure, Lee is a bad fucking human being. Dude’s a full-on racist, and you can find all of his shitty Twitter takes on every major societal issue here, here and…. here. Oh, and here. So big surprise, the guy who acts like the human equivalent of a sandpaper dildo on a reality show is an actual piece of shit in real life as well. Shocked. Well, Eric and Lee got into it, since the former’s name kept somehow finding itself coming out of the latter’s mouth. Guys, guys, guys… for the love of all that is Nicole Kidman — STOP shit-talking each other to Rachel! That is not sexy. Gossip doesn’t rock anyone’s world. Tattling isn’t foreplay – how y’all don’t know that yet? So, Eric was none too pleased, and that’s not good, because Eric constantly looks like someone just stole his last Fage yogurt (even though his name was clearly written on the lid).
This man-drama led to us experiencing ANOTHER cliffhanger. WHY, CHRIS HARRISON?! END AN EPISODE RIGHT, YOU HANDSOME COWARD. Back-to-back weeks without some closure is difficult, as is getting through three of these episodes without popping back a single drop of liquor. Praise Jesus.
- Really feel like I didn’t need to wait a week for that DeMario reveal. That drama was shut down quicker than it takes me to scarf down a meatball marinara hot pocket after 4 1/2 hours of attempted dieting.
- DeMario was begging for another chance, but Rachel wasn’t having any of it. It’s like they always say, beggars can’t be choosers (and they also can’t be weekly residents in a million dollar mansion with 20 other guys.)
- Iggy is starting way too much shit. It’s like, Rachel doesn’t even know who you are, so stop. You don’t even participate on group dates. You don’t participate on any kind of dates. You’re a nothing person. Stop starting drama, Captain Nothing.
- Tickle Monster brought a pair of giant hands to play with Rachel, presumably borrowing them from when the 45th President is having a rough day.
- Can we talk about #BananaGate? I’m super glad Blake explained in the most regular, normal way possible that there’s no way he watches Lucas sleep while eating a banana… because his diet doesn’t allow for any carbs.
- “I’ve been waiting to kiss her for 20 years” – Frederick. This is one of the rare cases when it’s Wrong Said Fred.
- Why do these guys keep asking each other for dating advice? You think they are gonna be truthful? YOU’RE AFTER THE SAME THING. IF YOU WIN, THEY LOSE. LIKE, YOU THINK LEBRON’S OUT THERE ASKING KD FOR FREE THROW ADVICE?! STOP THINKING LIKE A GOOF, YOU BROKEN-HEADED, CRONUTS!
- Anthony won the 1-on-1 with Rachel and they rode horses into stores because apparently rules and general manners don’t fucking exist in California?!
- Iggy ONCE AGAIN started something, this time with Eric at the end of the episode. Iggy, Iggy, Iggy, can’t you see? Sometimes your words are misconstrued and you create unnecessary problems between you and your male counterparts.
Winner of the Episode: Lucas! Somehow Blake usurped him to win the coveted pretend-award of “Most Likely To Look And Act Like The Biggest Piece of Ass.” So… let’s celebrate that insanity!
Loser of the Episode: Fred! Oh my Fred! Fred, Fred, Fred. As Donald Trump would say, “Freaky Fred goes out of his way to kiss Rachel. Believe me, she didn’t like it. He’s really sick. Sad!”
Early Favorite: Bryan. Doesn’t even try, still succeeds.
Dark Horse: Kenny. I’m sticking with my dark horse and early favorite’s here for back-to-back weeks. I’m gonna ride these two older guys until the end! Wait… that. That does not sound right. Whatever, I’m leaving it.