The Bachelorette returned from its one-week hiatus to bring us even more of what we can’t get enough of: inherently childish fights between fully grown ass men. Racist Lee, who is a racist, has unwisely pivoted from being just a scrawny, bag of ass, loser into scrawny, bag of ass, villain. First, he got into a tiff with Eric, interrupted Kenny (twice), then continued walking around like he doesn’t just have the most punchable face, before getting into it again with Kenny. Lee is the worst. Lee is terrible. He’s the Transformers franchise of people. He’s a January body in July weather, in the sense that no one ever wants him. I could barely stomach his awkward as hell conversation with Rachel towards the early half of the episode.
“My grandfather…” Lee muttered. “Uh, this is, like, kind of sad.” You don’t need to preface that the story you’re about to tell is a sad story. If the story is sad, just tell the sad story, you 150-pound nightmare. After his sad-telling of said sad story, he gave Rachel a piece of wood that he engraved with a knife (that he probably smuggled into the mansion, I’m assuming). Like, why you would allow the least popular dude on the show to trounce around a house full of people who hate him with an actual knife? By the way, the piece of wood said, “enchanting,” which is a word that Lee probably says a lot, but one which he is almost assuredly never described.
Here is a list of things I like more than Lee:
- The presence of foot fungus
- Non-lethal car accidents
- Confusing someone’s leg for a part underneath the table
- Coke Zero
- Asking someone “How are you” and after they say, “Good. How are you?” You reply with, “I’m great. How are you?”
I have no idea how he got a rose, but Kenny’s face after he did honestly kind of made it worth it.
Outside of Lee, things played out in fairly normal fashion for the majority of the episode. The guys went on a group date in Hilton Head, South Carolina for a mini-cruise. All of the guys gleefully hopped onto the boat, which I was secretly hoping would sink before Rachel got on it.
I’m not a very happy person.
It was all pretty harmless. Josiah let everyone in America know how often he probably relays positive compliments to himself in his bathroom mirror. Then Kenny rapped. Then Peter rapped. And Peter rapped… not well. I never want to hear Peter rap ever again. Like, even if it would save my life. Death > Peter rapping.
After the boat cruise, all of the men participated in a Spelling Bee where Eric spelled facade, “p-h-y-s-d-e.” That is very unsettling. Was his public school a facade for just an empty building where he would stare at a wall for 8 hours? What’s going on here, my man? Anyway, Josiah won the Spelling Bee, but Dean won the one-on-one. Dean, deathly afraid of heights, seemed very concerned that his date was centered around a massive blimp ride. I don’t blame him. I would have been pissed. Like, Peter’s one-on-one in Week 2 was taking a private jet to puppy dog island. The dude last week was full-on riding horses into high-end establishments as if there was a temporary ban on laws. But Dean? Dean’s got to ride in a blimp. I don’t want to ride in a blimp. No one should want to ride in a blimp. Have you all read a history book?! Keep me as far the fuck away from that death balloon, I like being alive.
Dean took it in stride, however. “I mean, it would be pretty romantic if today would be my first and last date with Rachel, if this blimp goes down,” Dean said. Ok, calm down, Emily Dickinson.
After big blimpin’ up in old S.C., Dean and Rachel’s one-on-one got dark. 100% sad AF. It was like the first 15 minutes of Up made out with the last 30 minutes of Titanic. Dean started talking about the death of his mother and that was way too emotional for my dumb ass. At first I was like, wow, that was a sad story and also, these Wheat Thins are crazy salty. But then I was like “oh, that’s just because I literally cried onto my Wheat Thin cracker. That’s why it was salty. Because I’m an emotional monster.”
After ruining my entire mental state in one fell swoop, ‘Dechel’ (Rean?) went to a Russell Dickerson concert, who I’m only 75% sure is a real person. It all seemed like this episode was going to end on a high until… Lee. Sigh.
“I gotta do what I gotta do,” Lee said. “And sometimes that – that’s gonna make me look like the bad guy… but I get tickled when I smile and an angry man gets angrier.” THAT IS LITERALLY WHAT THE BAD GUY WOULD SAY. HOW ARE YOU NOT AWARE THAT YOU ARE LITERALLY ALABAMA’S VERSION OF A DIET BOND VILLAIN.
After Lee exaggerated to Rachel about his confrontation with Kenny, another Bachelorette contestant decided there wasn’t enough shitty behavior afoot.
Me: “Hey, there’s currently no drama.”
Iggy: “Hold my beer.”
I don’t understand what Iggy is or what he does. All he does is act holier than thou, like he’s better than everyone when he’s CLEARLY not better than almost anyone. Literally most someones are better than Iggy. I imagine certain serial killers have more positive personality traits than this myopic goofball.
He’s low-key the worst. Dude looks like he’s 55. What an old, old, weird, old man he is. Go away, you overprotective donut. You either want to marry Rachel or just be close enough to her so she puts you up in a nice retirement home in 5 years. Stop starting crap, Iggy. My heart can’t take it!
Once again, NOTED HANDSOME COWARD, Chris Harrison, ended the episode on another cliffhanger before teasing a dramatic two-night event next week. It also looks like Lee’s racist ass is about to get all kinds of fucked up next week after his “aggressive” comment. Good riddance. Take Iggy away with you, you bigoted boob.
- Bryan is so much more attractive than me. I would look like hand-shredded ass meat if I was standing next to Bryan.
- Rachel to Bryan: “You are so charming, it scares me.” Yeah, I’ll take things a human woman will never say to me for $300, Alex.
- “I hope Kenny punches Lee in the face.” – This is the most I’ve ever liked Dean.
- Lee looks like the love child of Justin Bieber and a confederate flag.
- Many of these guys reacted to the thought of participating in a Spelling Bee like most people react to the thought of them getting stabbed.
- Also, the Spelling Bee seemed a bit lopsided. In the final three, Anthony got ‘Boutonnière’ and then Josiah got ‘Stunning?!’ Before I won my first grade spelling bee with ‘beginning,’ Mrs. Byrnes didn’t ask either Kenny or Michelle to sound out the word ‘Chiaroscurist.’
- #QuoteOfTheNight came from Josiah: “I’m surprised he’s still in the house. He’s the lamest dude in the house. He does drugs. He shoots steroids in his nuts. He confessed to all of us.”
Winner of the Episode: Bryan! Again! Dude stayed out of drama and continued his four-week (!) streak as being my early favorite.
Loser of the Episode: Lee. Hate, hate, hate everything about his face, personality and aura.
Early Favorite: Bryan. See above where I referred to myself as hand-shredded ass meat when compared to him.
Dark Horse: Peter. This salt-and-peppered haired Wisconsinite is also staying off the radar (an actual great strategy!) while still capitalizing on his alone time with Rachel.
Stay tuned next week when I still hate everything about Lee!